Balancing the Yearning for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Committed Partnership
As a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many gay men have open relationships, yet from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate different types of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need in your current state may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
