The Advice given by My Parent Which Saved Me as a First-Time Parent

"I believe I was simply in survival mode for twelve months."

One-time reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey anticipated to cope with the challenges of fatherhood.

Yet the reality quickly became "very different" to what he'd imagined.

Serious health complications during the birth resulted in his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was thrust into acting as her primary caregiver as well as looking after their baby boy Leo.

"I handled all the nights, each diaper… every stroll. The duty of mother and father," Ryan shared.

Following eleven months he became exhausted. That was when a conversation with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that led him to understand he required support.

The simple phrases "You're not in a good place. You require assistance. In what way can I assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and start recovering.

His story is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. Although the public is now more comfortable discussing the stress on moms and about PND, far less attention is paid about the challenges dads encounter.

Asking for help is not weak to ask for help

Ryan thinks his challenges are linked to a larger failure to communicate amongst men, who continue to absorb damaging ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and doesn't fall every time."

"It's not a sign of failure to ask for help. I failed to do that quick enough," he clarifies.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert who studies mental health surrounding childbirth, says men can be reluctant to accept they're finding things difficult.

They can feel they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - most notably in preference to a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental state is equally important to the household.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad offered him the chance to request a pause - taking a couple of days overseas, separate from the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook.

He realised he had to make a change to consider his and his partner's emotions in addition to the day-to-day duties of looking after a newborn.

When he was honest with Louise, he discovered he'd overlooked "what she was yearning" -reassuring touch and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan perceives being a dad.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan hopes these will help his son to more fully comprehend the vocabulary of emotion and make sense of his approach to fatherhood.

The concept of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen was without reliable male a father figure. Even with having an "incredible" connection with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their relationship.

Stephen says suppressing feelings caused him to make "bad actions" when he was younger to modify how he was feeling, finding solace in drink and drugs as a way out from the hurt.

"You turn to substances that are harmful," he says. "They may short-term modify how you feel, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Getting By as a New Father

• Talk to someone - if you feel under pressure, tell a friend, your spouse or a counsellor what you're going through. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - make time for the things that made you feel like the person you were before the baby arrived. This might be going for a run, seeing friends or gaming.
• Look after the physical health - nutritious food, physical activity and where possible, sleep, all are important in how your emotional health is coping.
• Spend time with other parents in the same boat - hearing about their journeys, the challenges, along with the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Understand that asking for help does not mean you've failed - prioritising you is the most effective way you can look after your household.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen naturally struggled to accept the passing, having not spoken to him for many years.

As a dad now, Stephen's resolved not to "continue the chain" with his own son and instead give the safety and emotional guidance he missed out on.

When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the emotions constructively.

Both Ryan and Stephen say they have become improved and more well-rounded men since they faced their pain, transformed how they communicate, and figured out how to regulate themselves for their sons.

"I'm better… processing things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.

"I put that down in a note to Leo recently," Ryan says. "I expressed, at times I feel like my job is to instruct and tell you on life, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I'm learning just as much as you are on this path."